I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
