i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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