Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
