You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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