Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
