There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
