I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
