What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
