She is in my trunk
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
