just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
