I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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