is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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