I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize