girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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