my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
