Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
