I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
whose parrot is this?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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