the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
