My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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