Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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