Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
