Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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