I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
