I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
