Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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