one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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