I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
