so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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