I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Randomize
