we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
