I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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