i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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