Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
