i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize