thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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