I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
