Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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