i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
