I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
