I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize