I'm lost and stupid without you.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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