My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
