Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
