theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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