were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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