I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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