Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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