dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
That accounts for only three of the penises
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
