i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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