I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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