his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
