Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
