You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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