you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
