i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
