Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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