Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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