Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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