At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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