Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
